RUNAWAY SUMMER
Bonnie was running again on those chubby toddler’s legs. This time along the curb so really in the road. Julie’s mother, Sandra, shouted out to Bonnie, “Stop! Stop right now.” And Bonnie, ever the comedian pretended she was putting the brakes on by pulling back on her arms, stopping in the middle of the road because she had drifted away from the curb.
“Look at her, Mom.” Julie laughed. “Look at my little runaway. Isn’t she so smart, pretending she’s an automobile? Look how she stands, straight, her head up, like she’s the wheels and the brake.”
Sandra, mentioned, “Yes and the gas pedal as well,” reminding Julie when Bonnie, not so long ago was close to danger. Both women fell into the memory of Ashley Blackstone who came out last year to Peekskill from California. At that time, Sandra couldn’t see the sense of it.
“Why would a fifteen-year-old girl want to come all the way to upstate New York?” Where were Ashley’s friends? Surely, she didn’t expect friendship from a woman she babysat for when Julie lived on the same street in California.
At the time, Julie’s typical reflex was to defend her decision to invite the girl, “She’s having some issues with her mom.” To her mother’s questions, Julie said, “Ashley’s really a remarkable girl, reads a lot, only one in her family who thinks about college.”
Leaving out the girl had no friends in Mesa, and was lonely, who came by Julie’s house after school, the year Julie and Mark lived there. Julie selfishly refrained from thinking too deeply on any of it when they lived in San Diego County. Lonely herself and working part time a few hours a week from home; her little corner of the kitchen with its desk, phone and computer weren’t nearly enough stimulation when Bonnie was just two, still in babyhood complete with napping most days.
Ashley filled her visits with rehashing excruciating hours at middle school, the taunts from boys that she was so skinny, her fears of rejection. Which Julie mollified by painting for the girl a picture of who she was becoming, her slimness may already be captivating some of the boys and their early adolescent way of dealing with it was to insult her. Julie would say, “typical boy stuff.”
Her laments were there last year, and now, a year after Ashley’s visit, Julie breathed the cooler air of upstate New York where green was the color of the day, remembering, not fondly, the bleached brown of San Diego where the only time spent outside in the summer was midnight with ocean breezes cooling the air in their subdivision.
Julie recalled her mother pursued the subject of Ashley, Sandra muttering, “she’s trying to move up and out, then.”
“Mom for chrissakes, you sound judgmental.” Julie picked up her three-year-old, kissed her chubby cheek, all the while Bonnie squirmed, saying over and over, “Put me down mommy!” until Julie fished a cookie out of her pocket.
“Just observing.” Sandra quickly added, “It’s nice that she sought you out as a mentor, it’s smart of her. I’ll give her that.” Sandra wiped her prescription sunglasses on the edge of her cotton dress, as she sat back down in her chair, breathing the sweet and cool air of upstate New York. Simultaneously both she and Julie looked over to Bonnie, now complacent in her stroller taking small bites out of the chocolate chip cookie and twisting her head this way and that between bites.
In the quiet, Julie remembered a full summer past and the chaos of moving from west to east coast and to upstate New York; back during the move, Ashley, a blessing as a mother’s helper and babysitter while Julie and Mark navigated the impossible packing. As bad as it was, she knew the difference when Bill Mason, Mark’s dad showed up to help. Bill did the heavy lifting with Mark and Julie concentrated on wrapping dishes, glasses, folding curtains into boxes. Ashley read to Bonnie, and played games with her, away from the mess; Ashley’s quiet and soothing voice while she read to the baby, lulling her to sleep amid all the bustle at the other end of the house.
“We used to talk, and Ashley shared some small pieces of her homelife. It wasn’t always a good picture; a stepfather resenting Ashley, wanting the time alone with her mother.”
“Ashley’s mother was no prize either, hanging out in the cul-de-sac with all her female buddies, gossiping, chain smoking.”
Sandra studied her daughter’s face. “You didn’t much care for those women down the street, did you?”
Julie gently pushed the stroller back and forth as Bonnie’s eyelids began to slant down, her breathing getting deeper. She marveled at how peaceful, watching her baby’s deep breathing, almost hypnotizing Julie into a quieter place in her mind. “No, I really wasn’t into the party mode at four in the afternoon, with all the raucous dumping of their individual life secrets.” Looking over at her mother, Julie asked, “you think I was a snob with those women, don’t you?”
Sandra was used to the accusations that flung out from her daughter’ subconscious, uncomfortable thoughts that she assigned to her mother whenever they were too painful for her to accept. “Not exactly a book club group or the League of Women Voters.” Sandra now offered; the gathering emotional storm clouds dissipated as quickly as they had begun to brew. Julie laughed, “They were on a different playing field, theirs, not mine or yours.” She said, watching her little girl nod off.
Julie shook her head at the memory of it, not just the women sitting semicircle in lawn chairs with beer cans in one hand and most of them, a cigarette in the other. As quickly, she thought of Ashely striving for something else. What the ‘else’ was would play out over time. Back in Mesa, then, there was Ashley babysitting: first for the extra money and getting out of her mother’s house and Joe, her stepfather’s way. His occasional snarky remarks Ashley considered hints of what he really felt; she was a nuisance. She was unaware of Joe’s unease with Ashley as evidence of his own fading youth.
Ashely bonded with Julie all the time while her husband worked long hours somewhere downtown in La Jolla. Ashley only fourteen sensed Julie understood when she complained about school and her mother.
After the move east, Julie did not find the bond that remained as unusual, and a few texts here and there from the girl remarking on how great it would be to travel east. In late spring last year, Julie relented, inviting her to come to New York.
She didn’t forget her mother’s reaction, Sandra’s head quirked up as she met her daughter’s eyes, “you think that’s wise?” And to forestall what might be a sharp zinger back, she added, “it’s a long way, can they afford to pay her airfare?”
“I don’t see a problem.” Julie’s knee jerk reaction was to justify having Ashley visit, but Sandra picked up on her daughter’s feelings of awkwardness, having a girl she hardly knew travel three thousand miles to stay with her. Secretly, Julie admitted the bond between them was tenuous.
The month went by quickly; late June and Ashley touched down in upstate New York airport, here and real and now. Julie quickly identified the girl though grown several inches taller and slimmer. She waved and after a confused and strained look on the girl’s face, an equally enthusiastic wave back. This is good, Julie thought, we’ll have time to reacquaint and she’s older now, it will be easier. She said these things to herself as she threw a quick look over to her mother. Sandra smiled sincerely toward the girl who encompassed them both in an awkward group hug, her message that she wanted to be a part of whatever they were.
The time jumped out at them, back home from the airport and making dinner.
“I like this one boy in my history class.” Ashley sipped her iced tea and continued, “he’s taller than me, can you believe? That’s really happening, the boys are all getting taller.”
Julie spooned some pudding into Bonnie’s eager mouth while banging her plastic sippy cup. “Does he live nearby? Do you go out on dates?” She spoke over the din of Bonnie’s cup.
“One date so far, Saturday movie, almost a premier but it featured one of the cast that had a small part, so not one of the main actors.”
Typical California faux Hollywood Julie thought as she wiped Bonnie’s face and dislodged her from the highchair. “I’m going to get her cleaned up and settled, she’ll sleep soon with a full tummy.” She smiled at her toddler and kissed her chubby cheek, looking over at Ashley who was silent, absently cutting her remaining salad. “You can come with us?”
Ashley perked up at the invitation, Julie hesitating to ask if she might be tired from the flight but the girl seemed glad to go upstairs, helped with Bonnie’s bath. Ashley continued talking about Jason through the evening, sharing the minutia of the first date.
Julie felt a strain from the first, she might not admit it to her mother, but it was there. Ashley was nervous, spoke rapidly to get it all said, shared, seeking comment, approval. The days began to have a sameness about them; Ashley vying for time and attention, Bonnie, tugging on her mother’s leg for a cookie, to share her new toy, wanting sometimes to be held and hugged. Ashley tried to conceal the strained and tightened lips, jealous of the attention Bonnie garnered from her mother, and Ashley covetous of Julie’s waning attention.
Sandra came by and it helped a bit; conversation could flow more easily between the girl and her mentor when Sandra rushed to capture Bonnie away from something hot or sharp. And Julie was glad for the distraction, though glimpsed more than once, her mother’s eyes squinted as she discerned the way things were shaping up. Julie hated to have her mother right in her assessment, could hear her mother’s thoughts, that girl wants something you cannot give her; the home she never had.
A ten-day visit, Sandra predicably signaled might be a bit longish, not family and not a best friend. Julie was glad for once of Mark’s late work schedule, dinner was full of conversation when he did get home earlier and Julie purposely stretched dinner to later, after Bonnie was asleep. The days were planned for parks and picnics near shallow brooks. They took turns with pushing Bonnie in the swing, but the strain had begun to announce itself. Work at her home office escalated for Julie with more research and writing and phone when Bonnie napped, and Ashley pulled into a sullen teenage sulk.
It was near dinner time, the sun was behind a cloud and the breeze had stepped up reviving all of them, Bonnie most of all, discovering the art of running, she laughed and fell a lot on the grass until she found the convenience of the sidewalk’s even ground and buzzed by Julie more than once.
“And my friend Tiffany, she can be annoying, always thinking everyone wants to hear about her and her boyfriend. It’s embarrassing.”
Julie looked up at her, more of the scowl creeping into her brow these last few days. “Do you try to change the subject? You know, ask her about a movie you both saw?” Julie asked.
“She wouldn’t go for that. The best I can think is make up stories about my new boyfriend—.”
Julie interrupted, held up her hand as Bonnie ran by her nearer the street. “Wait.” As she snatched Bonnie from stepping down off the curb. Bonnie spread out a toddler’s giggle as she delighted in being caught. “Bonnie! Not in the street.” Julie held Bonnie’s face, forcing her to look into her mother’s eyes. “Do you hear me?”
Bonnie nodded yes. But the game was on as she ran to the yard, then back to her mother, then to Ashley who rubbed Bonnie’s head absently as she talked on. “I wish graduation was this year.”
Ashley was full into her story about another boy presenting himself as a rival when she and her boyfriend were taking turns surfing on his board. The other boy was Steven Foy from their neighborhood, a year older who got to drive his father’s Subaru. “He clunked down on the sand, and I was busy reading for my English class, David Copperfield.”
“Were you friends with one another?” Julie and Ashley walked along the side street away from the swings with Bonnie, who repeatedly ran away and came back.
“He’s nice but older so I’m not sure about how to talk to him. He’s going to Community college next year and will transfer to U.C. in two years.”
“That sounds promising. You can see him for a year until the transfer if you decide to go to Community college as well. I think you should.”
Bonnie interrupted her mother’s thoughts when she bumped up against her leg, then Ashley’s as she looked from one to the other to notice her standing on one foot. “Look mommy, look at me.”
“What did you say, you said something?” Ashley looked down at Bonnie, “Shush Bonnie, mommy’s talking with Ashley.”
Julie collected her thoughts, “Did you decide on which community college?”
“It’s early yet, I guess, but MiraCosta maybe or Southwestern.” Bonnie was trying to stand on Ashley’s feet. “Stop Bonnie, that hurts on my bare feet.” She dusted off the dirt and firmly held the little girl away. “Just stop.”
Julie swooped Bonnie up and told her No in a firm enough voice, and the toddler’s face contorted to a semi frown then a pretend howl of insult at her mother’s annoyance with her, then the fake crying into her mother’s shoulder.
Things quieted down after the mutual fussing of Ashley and Bonnie, and Julie found herself retreating inward to weigh what was happening, but then relenting on bad feelings toward Ashley, acknowledging that she had as much a right to be impatient with Bonnie. She brought her conscious meanderings into light, relating the incident to her mother later that day. Sandra’s remark was casual, “We all get flustered,” further smoothed out the rough edges coming from Ashley.
Yet Julie became more aware of “things” as she called them. Ashley eager for the night or the nap that meant more time with Julie and without interruption from Bonnie. Though she was understanding and respectful of Julie’s part time work at her desk in the kitchen when she browsed through the novels in the bookcase, choosing and reading rapidly everything from Julie’s college English Lit collection to the new stuff Julie got from her book club.
There was one thing that stuck about Ashely, that she spent less time directly with Bonnie; little and halfhearted efforts, except to read out loud or show Bonnie how to push or pull a toy. She watched more than engaged while Julie did the heavy lifting, showing Bonnie how to match the cutouts and fit them into a toddler puzzle.
Bonnie sensed this shift in Ashley, acted out an irritability, fussing more when she wanted something, looking to her mother and now, almost never at Ashely. Julie didn’t leave Bonnie in Ashley’s care as she used to, no quick trips to the grocery store for some ingredient for a meal.
Instead, Bonnie and Ashley now joined Julie, a nuisance of strapping in Bonnie, unstrapping to go into the store because the last time she left them both in the car, Julie returned to find Ashley, arms folded, face red, looking down and angry and Bonnie’s face streaked with tears, her chest heaving with deep breathing that Julie knew had been crying and sobs just minutes before.
Things got quiet.
“Jeff called and we talked a long time. He says he misses me.” Ashley was buoyant for the first time in days. “He asked me a dozen times when would I be coming back. I played it out a little, saying I might be staying till school starts.” Julie heard a sound reminiscent of Ashley’s mother, a tawdry sound that signaled she was about to share an intimate moment she’d had with Ashley’s stepfather at one of the times that Julie joined the neighborhood women with their beer and cigarettes.
The silence filled up a larger and awkward moment as Julie processed the idea of Ashley adding another month to her visit. “What did Jeff say to that?” She avoided any personal remark sensing the girl was actually wanting to stay, and at the same time wondered why that would be, then remembering Ashley saying how her stepfather made it clear he’d like to see her gone. But Ashely’s perception was quick knowing Julie wanted the visit to end.
“Let’s get out in the fresh air, the temperature is perfect, 78 degrees.” Julie grabbed a light sweater for Bonnie in case temperatures dropped. Bonnie was like a pup on a leash as she ran around in rings, making up a sing song chant, “going out, we’re going out.” Julie snagged her toddler’s hand as they filed out, Ashley’s face was stone, her eyes looking angrily at Bonnie’s restlessness, who tugged on her mother to let her go.
“Ashley would you take her hand for a moment? I want to drop Bonnie’s sweater into the backpack on her stroller.” Ashley nodded yes and grabbed the little girl’s hand as they walked rapidly up the hill to the quiet road they used for these excursions. Julie looked up when she heard the sound of cars, the lot was full of tables, some sort of gathering, cars parked on the flat land and some real traffic with cars passing one another. Too many people crowded near where they walked, Julie searching for Ashley and Bonnie. Julie saw Ashely let go of Bonnie’s hand as she ran forward toward the traffic. Julie’s scream came out of a frozen throat as she sprang forward, reaching Bonnie in three steps, grabbing Bonnie where a car’s speed and power had almost brushed her head.
There were no words to follow. Julie turned back from the street, with Bonnie in her stroller, walked briskly toward the house. Her phone in hand she speed dialed the airline. No words as she opened the closet door in the guest room and began to carefully place Ashely’s clothes on the bed near an opened suitcase. Ashley silently began to fold her sundresses, piled her T-shirts carefully on one side of the suitcase, wrapped her shoes in plastic bags. Her eyes were downcast.
ll ended as quickly as things began. Ashely’s face was tearstained as she walked toward the airline outside check in and parked her bag for the attendant to place a tag on it. Julie stood apart, alone while her mother looked on from inside the car. Julie hugged Ashley, more dismissive than she wanted to admit. “Have a safe trip.” As Julie pulled away from the girl.
About the author
enee Ebert has a BA from Georgetown University and a Masters in public health from UCLA. When she is not writing, she raises funds for nonprofit organizations in the U.S. and internationally. Her most recent work is support for street children in Nairobi and incarcerated women and children in Cairo.
It all ended as quickly as things began. Ashely’s face was tearstained as she walked toward the airline outside check in and parked her bag for the attendant to place a tag on it. Julie stood apart, alone while her mother looked on from inside the car. Julie hugged Ashley, more dismissive than she wanted to admit. “Have a safe trip.” As Julie pulled away from the girl.
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