Shopping

An Advent Calendar of Stories

December 03 2014

Shopping

Roger Noons

a large glass of Merlot

“Are you in ladies underwear?”

             I looked the woman up and down. “Err no, not at the moment, I’m …”

            “I’m sorry,” she smiled. “I thought you worked for M&S.”

            “No,” I replied, I'm standing here between ‘push up bras’ and the ‘T shirt’ variety, as my wife’s over there buying knickers.”

            “Oh,” she spat, as if I had uttered a four letter word, and strode away. As I stared after her, my wife arrived.

            “Was she trying to pick you up?”

            “I don’t know,” I answered. “It’s so long since anyone did, I’ve forgotten what it’s like.”

            “She had so much mascara on her lashes; I’m surprised she had the strength to flutter them.”

            I stared at Joanne, it was unlike her to be jealous, and show it. “Yes dear,” I said and took her hand.

            Like most men I guess, I never look forward to visiting a shopping centre, not unless I need socks or perhaps a new shirt. I always enjoy the moment when we exit the revolving door and step out onto the car park. My wife of course, is quite different. There is always something she needs, make up, underwear, stationery, a scarf to go with this, a necklace to go with that, and when the new season’s fashions arrive, she is eager to look.

            “I only want to see what’s in for the autumn,” she will say quietly.

            “Why not choose what you wear according to whether it’s warm, cold, dry or wet?” I pose.

            “You don’t understand.”

            “No, of course I don’t, I'm only a man.”

            Actually, it’s the Dogs Trust that I blame. Every time one of their representatives pushes a plastic bag through our door with FRIDAY writ large on the outside, my wife gratefully accepts the challenge. The reason she ’has nothing to wear’, is that most of her clothes have gone to the shop, to pay for bones and doggy chews.

About the Author

Roger Noons is a member of two writers’ groups and tries his hardest to write something every day. As well as CafeLit, he has had credits in West Midlands newspapers, The Daily Telegraph, Paragraph Planet, Raw Edge and a number of Anthologies.

Roger is a regular contributor to the CafeLit site and has had stories selected for the Best of CaféLit series.