Debbie Boitoult
espresso
‘Hello it’s me. Is anyone out there listening to me?
Of course you’re not. You never do unless I do
something to attract your attention.
Perhaps I’ll stick a foot out to kick you, that might make you take
notice of me.
Oh no not again, they are at it
again, it is all they talk about these days.
Hey Chaps, what about me? I’m
the key player around here. Without me
nothing is going to happen.
I’ll tell you what; it’s certainly
getting a bit cramped in here. I need
to shuffle round to get comfortable. Whoops
she felt that one, sorry Mummy. That’s better, now where was I?
I don’t think they realise that I can
hear what they are saying. If they had
read the books properly they would have known, but oh no, all they do is talk
about needing to get me out of here early.
What do they think I am, a bar of
chocolate in one of those machines, put the money in, push a button and out I
pop.
Serves them right if I mess up their
plans. I can do it you know, I’m the
one in charge of when it happens, not her.
If I don’t want to come out I won’t.
They have even had the cheek to discuss how to get me out if I don’t
appear in time. There is no chance I’m
going to let that happen.
I think need to have a little nap,
I’ll be back soon to tell you what this is all about.’
************
‘Hello are you still there? Oh good, do you want to know what this is
all about? It’s about money, yes
that’s right money. Not about me.
Grandmamma, Lady Elizabeth Saunders
is the one who is to blame for all of this trouble. Yes her, the posh one with the loud
voice. Apparently she made a grand announcement
on New Year’s Day 2016. They were all
there, her three daughters and their partners.
She announced that whichever one
of her children produced a boy before midnight on the 31st December
2017 would inherit the Saunders family pile.
If not she was leaving it to a Cats Home. Cats indeed, that’s rubbish, she’s nearly as
allergic to cats as she is to her family.
Obviously I’ve never seen her, but
I’ve heard her. Oh boy have I heard
her! When she comes into the room everything
goes quiet. Everyone is waiting for her to speak, even I’m quiet just waiting
to hear what she’s got to say this time.
This morning when she visited she said that she hoped that all the money
she was paying for this private hospital was going to be worth it. She keeps reminding my Mummy that she has to
give birth before midnight or everything goes to the Cat’s Home. What a
cheek, who does she think she is?
When I am born I will be the first boy in the
Saunders family for four generations. Ok I know that I have to pop out in time if
I am to save the family fortune. Don’t
get me wrong I want a life of luxury as much as the next baby, but I don’t like
being told what to do so early on in my life, after all I’m not even born yet. If she is like this now, what is she going to
be like all though my life?
I’m very happy in here. It’s warm and
it’s safe. I’m not ready to be poked and prodded and have stupid noises made to
my face. I’m not a pigeon, I won’t
respond to coo, coo, coo. I know I am gorgeous;
I don’t need to be woken up every time I want to sleep with someone telling me
how gorgeous I am. I bet you are
wondering how I know about all these things.
You think us babies don’t talk to each other,
well you are wrong. All those posh antenatal
classes we went to weren’t just for you. You don’t really think that we just
sat around in here while you did that yoga and floated around in that hydro
thingy. Of course we didn’t, we babies
had a chance to talk to each other. You would be amazed at what we
discussed. I told them about Grandmamma
Lady Elizabeth and her diabolical announcement.
They were horrified, all apart from that silly baby that your best
friend is having. She thought it was a
fun idea and that she wished that it was her instead of me. It took me ages to explain that the whole
thing was about there had not been a boy born into the Saunders family for 4
generations and that I was a boy. I then explained to her yet again that I had
to be born by midnight on the 31st December 2014 if my Mummy and
Daddy were going to inherit all the Saunders estate and money from
Grandmamma. If I was born later than
midnight, she would leave it all the Cats Home.
The silly little girl thought that was a fun idea as well. I tell you how stupid, I hope I don’t have
any sisters if they are like her.
Anyway as I was saying, we all agreed
that it wasn’t right to make me pop out at a certain time. I should be allowed
to do it when I want. They also didn’t think it was right that Daddy should be
trying to persuade Mummy to hurry thing up.
I mean to say, he even gave her some orange juice and castor oil to
drink the other day to make things happen quicker. I didn’t think she should drink it, but she
did. I really had to hold on tight that
time. Things were getting a bit serious.
Like I was saying the other babies
didn’t think that I should give in, even if it did mean not having a big house
to live in, nice gardens to be pushed round in a comfortable pram. Lots of toys to play with and a pony when I
got a little bigger. We all agreed that
I wouldn’t do it, but at times it has been a struggle for me to stay where I
am.
It’s like when her waters broke, oh
boy that was no fun. Panic stations all
round. Phone calls to the hospital. Rushing outside to the car and then that manic
race to the hospital. I had to remind
them , excuse me don’t forget that I’m in here and I’m holding on as tight as I
can, there is no way that I am having the indignity of being born in the back
seat of this car.
All that panic for nothing, I am
still in here. Wow that was a close
thing, I nearly had to give in, but I managed to stay where I was. I’ll make them wait for a bit longer.
Hang on, is that my Mummy
speaking? I do wish she would speak up,
doesn’t she realise that I’ve only got tiny ears. What’s she saying? Oh do stop crying, I can’t
understand what you are saying. Wait a moment, did I hear that right. She doesn’t care about the inheritance any
more, she just wants me to be born safe and well. That I mean more to her than
all the money in the world and she knows that I will come when I am ready, not
when they want me to. It doesn’t matter that it is five to midnight and I still
haven’t been born as long as I am healthy when I do arrive.
What a time to tell me this. This
changes everything. I’ve got to get a
move on, push Mummy, push. Where is that orange juice and castor oil when
you really need it?
Will you please stop telling her to
breathe slowly, we haven’t got time for that. Just push Mummy I’m doing my bit,
I’m almost there.
Oh my goodness, is this the outside
world, it’s cold out here. Hey will you
stop rubbing and patting my back, I’m not a pet dog you know. I’ve had enough
of this, perhaps if I start crying you might leave me alone. Oh hello Mummy so that what you look like,
well I think it’s you. You’re a bit
fuzzy, ah that better I can see you now.
I suppose you must be Daddy. Why are you crying? I’m the one who should
be doing that.
Oh my goodness I know that voice,
it’s the scary one Grandmamma Lady Elizabeth.
I don’t think I like the look of her. No don’t come any closer and don’t you dare
kiss me, I’m not ready for all that yet.
Roberta Saunders and Jeremy Matterson
are delighted to announce the safe
arrival of their son
Justin Peter MATTERSON
Born 31.12.2017
23.58hrs 7lbs 2oz.
Hello it’s me again. As you know I’m out. Mind you it was a bit close on time, I nearly
left it too late. Mummy is very happy
I’m here, Daddy is very happy I’m here but I think that he is even happier now we’ve
inherited the family fortune.
Me, well I’m not very happy, look
what they have called me. Just because
both of them said that I had arrived just in time, I’m stuck with a first name
of Justin.’
15
‘Hello it’s me. Is anyone out there listening to me?
Of course you’re not. You never do unless I do
something to attract your attention.
Perhaps I’ll stick a foot out to kick you, that might make you take
notice of me.
Oh no not again, they are at it
again, it is all they talk about these days.
Hey Chaps, what about me? I’m
the key player around here. Without me
nothing is going to happen.
I’ll tell you what; it’s certainly
getting a bit cramped in here. I need
to shuffle round to get comfortable. Whoops
she felt that one, sorry Mummy. That’s better, now where was I?
I don’t think they realise that I can
hear what they are saying. If they had
read the books properly they would have known, but oh no, all they do is talk
about needing to get me out of here early.
What do they think I am, a bar of
chocolate in one of those machines, put the money in, push a button and out I
pop.
Serves them right if I mess up their
plans. I can do it you know, I’m the
one in charge of when it happens, not her.
If I don’t want to come out I won’t.
They have even had the cheek to discuss how to get me out if I don’t
appear in time. There is no chance I’m
going to let that happen.
I think need to have a little nap,
I’ll be back soon to tell you what this is all about.’
************
‘Hello are you still there? Oh good, do you want to know what this is
all about? It’s about money, yes
that’s right money. Not about me.
Grandmamma, Lady Elizabeth Saunders
is the one who is to blame for all of this trouble. Yes her, the posh one with the loud
voice. Apparently she made a grand announcement
on New Year’s Day 2016. They were all
there, her three daughters and their partners.
She announced that whichever one
of her children produced a boy before midnight on the 31st December
2017 would inherit the Saunders family pile.
If not she was leaving it to a Cats Home. Cats indeed, that’s rubbish, she’s nearly as
allergic to cats as she is to her family.
Obviously I’ve never seen her, but
I’ve heard her. Oh boy have I heard
her! When she comes into the room everything
goes quiet. Everyone is waiting for her to speak, even I’m quiet just waiting
to hear what she’s got to say this time.
This morning when she visited she said that she hoped that all the money
she was paying for this private hospital was going to be worth it. She keeps reminding my Mummy that she has to
give birth before midnight or everything goes to the Cat’s Home. What a
cheek, who does she think she is?
When I am born I will be the first boy in the
Saunders family for four generations. Ok I know that I have to pop out in time if
I am to save the family fortune. Don’t
get me wrong I want a life of luxury as much as the next baby, but I don’t like
being told what to do so early on in my life, after all I’m not even born yet. If she is like this now, what is she going to
be like all though my life?
I’m very happy in here. It’s warm and
it’s safe. I’m not ready to be poked and prodded and have stupid noises made to
my face. I’m not a pigeon, I won’t
respond to coo, coo, coo. I know I am gorgeous;
I don’t need to be woken up every time I want to sleep with someone telling me
how gorgeous I am. I bet you are
wondering how I know about all these things.
You think us babies don’t talk to each other,
well you are wrong. All those posh antenatal
classes we went to weren’t just for you. You don’t really think that we just
sat around in here while you did that yoga and floated around in that hydro
thingy. Of course we didn’t, we babies
had a chance to talk to each other. You would be amazed at what we
discussed. I told them about Grandmamma
Lady Elizabeth and her diabolical announcement.
They were horrified, all apart from that silly baby that your best
friend is having. She thought it was a
fun idea and that she wished that it was her instead of me. It took me ages to explain that the whole
thing was about there had not been a boy born into the Saunders family for 4
generations and that I was a boy. I then explained to her yet again that I had
to be born by midnight on the 31st December 2014 if my Mummy and
Daddy were going to inherit all the Saunders estate and money from
Grandmamma. If I was born later than
midnight, she would leave it all the Cats Home.
The silly little girl thought that was a fun idea as well. I tell you how stupid, I hope I don’t have
any sisters if they are like her.
Anyway as I was saying, we all agreed
that it wasn’t right to make me pop out at a certain time. I should be allowed
to do it when I want. They also didn’t think it was right that Daddy should be
trying to persuade Mummy to hurry thing up.
I mean to say, he even gave her some orange juice and castor oil to
drink the other day to make things happen quicker. I didn’t think she should drink it, but she
did. I really had to hold on tight that
time. Things were getting a bit serious.
Like I was saying the other babies
didn’t think that I should give in, even if it did mean not having a big house
to live in, nice gardens to be pushed round in a comfortable pram. Lots of toys to play with and a pony when I
got a little bigger. We all agreed that
I wouldn’t do it, but at times it has been a struggle for me to stay where I
am.
It’s like when her waters broke, oh
boy that was no fun. Panic stations all
round. Phone calls to the hospital. Rushing outside to the car and then that manic
race to the hospital. I had to remind
them , excuse me don’t forget that I’m in here and I’m holding on as tight as I
can, there is no way that I am having the indignity of being born in the back
seat of this car.
All that panic for nothing, I am
still in here. Wow that was a close
thing, I nearly had to give in, but I managed to stay where I was. I’ll make them wait for a bit longer.
Hang on, is that my Mummy
speaking? I do wish she would speak up,
doesn’t she realise that I’ve only got tiny ears. What’s she saying? Oh do stop crying, I can’t
understand what you are saying. Wait a moment, did I hear that right. She doesn’t care about the inheritance any
more, she just wants me to be born safe and well. That I mean more to her than
all the money in the world and she knows that I will come when I am ready, not
when they want me to. It doesn’t matter that it is five to midnight and I still
haven’t been born as long as I am healthy when I do arrive.
What a time to tell me this. This
changes everything. I’ve got to get a
move on, push Mummy, push. Where is that orange juice and castor oil when
you really need it?
Will you please stop telling her to
breathe slowly, we haven’t got time for that. Just push Mummy I’m doing my bit,
I’m almost there.
Oh my goodness, is this the outside
world, it’s cold out here. Hey will you
stop rubbing and patting my back, I’m not a pet dog you know. I’ve had enough
of this, perhaps if I start crying you might leave me alone. Oh hello Mummy so that what you look like,
well I think it’s you. You’re a bit
fuzzy, ah that better I can see you now.
I suppose you must be Daddy. Why are you crying? I’m the one who should
be doing that.
Oh my goodness I know that voice,
it’s the scary one Grandmamma Lady Elizabeth.
I don’t think I like the look of her. No don’t come any closer and don’t you dare
kiss me, I’m not ready for all that yet.
Roberta Saunders and Jeremy Matterson
are delighted to announce the safe
arrival of their son
Justin Peter MATTERSON
Born 31.12.2017
23.58hrs 7lbs 2oz.
Hello it’s me again. As you know I’m out. Mind you it was a bit close on time, I nearly
left it too late. Mummy is very happy
I’m here, Daddy is very happy I’m here but I think that he is even happier now we’ve
inherited the family fortune.
Me, well I’m not very happy, look
what they have called me. Just because
both of them said that I had arrived just in time, I’m stuck with a first name
of Justin.’
15
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