Don’t Forget The Freddos Dad

by Tim Strugnell

 prosecco

Parking the car close to the store saves time

In a hurry tonight for those things I forgot on her Christmas list 

What’s this no A? A change of name?

Welcome to Sinsbury’s 

Ah broken light! No time to replace it I suppose 

Automatic doors, they’re new, not seen them before                                           

That’s progress for you

Don’t forget the Freddos dad

A big trolley with a squeaky wheel the last one left

The store full of men with looks of panic on their faces

Down the fruit and veg aisles first

Amazing combinations of vibrant colours                        

Oranges, lemons, strawberries, pomelos, persimmons                         

What? That needs googling 

Thought that was a building firm with an overpaid chief executive 

Strange shapes, butternut squash                                              

Romanesco broccoli

Stalks of Brussel Sprouts! Why Brussels? 

Originally grown in Belgium in the 13th century.

Always reminds me of the joke. 

What’s the difference between a sprout and a bogey?

I’ve never seen a child eat a sprout!

Don’t forget the Freddos dad

Nuts, nuts? More kinds than you can imagine.

An anaphylactic shock waiting to happen 

Marmalade’s next oh no, more decisions,

Smooth, thin cut, medium cut, thick cut, coarse cut, I wish I was half cut,

Don’t forget the Freddos dad 

Bakery department, wonderfully tempting smells 

Freshly baked bread, shapes, sizes, colours  

Tiger bread or giraffe bread?

Cakes, simple, ornate, stunning 

Millionaires shortbread, how much?

Cake decorations, sparkly, glittery

Multiple ingredients, choices to be made

Flour

Organic, white, whole grain,

Self-raising, perfect for the morning 

Spelt

Spelt f-l-o-u-r not f-l-o-w-e-r

Don’t forget the Freddos dad  

Flowers for every occasion 

Births, marriages ,deaths, festive greetings 

Saying sorry, I love you, I miss you, I want you, come back!

Plants for a longer lasting effect? Impact?

Always the poinsettia (also known as Christmas Star)  a commercially important plant species of the diverse spurge family. The species is indigenous to Mexico so they say, plenty over here though!

Cards for everyone, funny, serious, sad, (dis)tasteful

Magazines, for the woman who has everything                                           

For the child who wants to be a princess 

The superhero 

Dad mags, golf, football, music 

The festive Radio Times, full of repeats

Full of repeats!

Don’t forget the Freddos dad           

Shampoos, lids off, tempting odours 

What to choose?

• For Dandruff: Tea tree, Lavender
• For Hair Growth: Peppermint, Cedarwood
• For Odor Removal: Rose Otto, Lemongrass 
• For Oil Control: Peppermint, Cypress,
• For Dry Hair: Cedarwood, Ylang ylang
• For Scalp Acne: Tea tree, Lavender,
• For Reducing Hair Fall: Rosemary, Frankincense
• To Kill Lice: Tea tree, Citriodora,

No jojoba?

Too much choice! What about Simple?

Don’t forget the Freddos dad 

Shower gels oh no!! 

See shampoos above

Stick to the essentials range

The pharmacy

Headache tablets required, only 15 types to choose from

Move on quickly to the alcohol 

Go Sober For October no longer a problem 

Just ginger beer and soda water then

Now fill the trolley with Prosecco, real ale and a good rum

Bottled water, why?

Nothing wrong with tap and no plastic waste

Don’t forget the Freddos dad 

Venture now into the arctic aisles

More bracing than parts of the Arctic Circle

5.4C (41.7F) in the meat aisle of Sinsbury’s (Daily Mail)

The coldest of all supermarkets

No meat today, unappetising lumps of cold flesh

That’s just the Sinsbury shelf stackers

Turkey? They can stuff that this year, we’ll just have chicken breasts.

Dairy or non dairy counter

Milk, milk?

Cow, goat, pasteurised, organic, long life, almond, coconut, cashew, rice, oat, hemp, flax

Don’t forget the Freddos dad 

"Good evening, this is a customer information announcement. The time is 9:45 and the store will be closing in 15 minutes. Will all remaining customers please make their way to the checkout to finalise their purchases? Thank you, and thank you for shopping at Sinsbury’s and a happy Christmas to you all”

Don’t forget the Freddos dad 

No need to panic buy 

Crisps?

Multi coloured bags of potatoes fried in various ways

Hand cooked? How does that work? Must take ages.

Maybe forget Christmas lunch, start with prawn cocktail crisps for the starter, roast chicken, brussel sprout, smokey bacon, cheese and onion, plain and vegetable crisps, sorted, no cooking required!

Tea, hundreds to choose from

Organic decaf a safe bet

Fish, line caught salmon

What sort of line might that be?

Oops nearly forgot the mince pies, such a choice, 

Deep filled, all butter, iced, gluten free, cranberry and white chocolate, ecclefechan, what the heck are they?

And now the brandy butter

Don’t forget the Freddos dad 

At last to the till

Dig out the recycled Waitrose bags

A better class of non-recyclable plastic 

Rapid packing trying to beat the checkout assistant 

“Have you got a Nectar card sir?”

The points are handy, I bought my last lawn mower with those at Argos 

“Thank you sir, happy Christmas, see you later.”

Why do they say that?

Job adverts on the way out

Stock replenisher, checkout operator, same job new title, progress?

The security guard,”Goodnight sir, happy Christmas, see you later.”

Why? Is he coming home?

Taking his job too seriously 

Back to the car

Five bags of shopping 

It’s now dark                                                                       

Just the petrol station, the smell of diesel

Fill the car

Into the shop, a hot chocolate and a packet of gum

Pay the bill

“Thank you sir, happy Christmas, see you later.”

Not again, why?

A Sinsbury’s party at home maybe?

Back home, a successful mission accomplished.......................

Damn I’ve forgotten the bloody Freddos!!!