Some Of The Items You Requested From Santa Are Currently Unavailable And Substitutions Have Been Made by Jude Potts, Christmas pudding latte

Dear Jude,

 

Thank you for your letter to Santa. Though we are aware you were never a believer, your requests have been given all due consideration. Unfortunately, these items are not currently available and some substitutions have been made:

• The ability to know what flavour of cat food will be acceptable to NMC (Not My Cat) on any given morning so she finds your offerings acceptable and does not bite you.
• Santa regrets to inform you he is capable of basic pagan magic and is not a miracle worker. Substituted gift;  some oven gloves.

• The ability to leave the house without having some kind of embarrassing episode involving falling over, tripping, slipping or crashing into things. 
• Again, Santa has his limits and the sheer variety of scrapes you get into precludes him from granting this gift. Substituted gift; some big girl pants to help you get over yourself.

• A pair of fully functioning ankles, perhaps with some kind of ankle shape to them, but as a minimum ones that don’t creak, groan and give out unexpectedly. 
• These are not available in your size at this time. Substituted gift; a jaw that will misalign in the middle of the night and wake you up randomly with the pain. We feel this will complete the set of dodgy joints you have, complementing the crunchy spine, creaky knee and clicky shoulder perfectly

 

Great news though! The Fisher-Price Garage set with car lift  AND the Playdough Hairdressers where the little people grow playdough hair, requested and unobtainable in 1979 are now available. The ‘monkey on a unicycle’ that was your stock answer to what you wanted for Christmas throughout the 1990s is also being supplied. You should note that the monkey will almost certainly become aggressive during its adolescence; an additional pair of oven gloves has therefore been included.

 

Merry Christmas from Santa and all his little helpers

 

PS: Your final request really wasn’t appropriate. A mythical being of advancing years isn’t up to that kind of thing. If Santa’s hair wasn’t already white it would have turned it after reading that. Yes, he may well need warming up after a trip from the North Pole, but not like that. If you make any similar requests again, you will be permanently on the naughty list. We have passed that particular request on to Krampus.

 

About the author 

Jude is a full-time carer and some-time writer who dabbles in flash fiction, focusing on wry, dry and sly looks at human failings (usually her own). She believes in the magical capacity of shared joy and humour to change the world and tries to contribute. 

 

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