The Food Critic’s Murder – Part 1 –White Wine
‘It is my distinct pleasure to be your new food critic,’ the newspaper column began. The prior critic, Mr. Johansen, has retired as his eyesight and poor taste had caught up to him. He visited local restaurants for years and always thought the food was excellent. How exceptionally boring! I will have an opportunity to revisit these places and I will give you my opinion which I believe will greatly differ from his. Not only are these places overrated but overpriced for the portions received. In most of the places, I will also review the beer, wine, and mixed drinks if available. I prefer French wine but will sample what is available. Stay tuned for my first review.
Jean Claude Dubois was happy with his typed introductory column and was pleased with himself. I’ll shake things up in Los Angeles. My column will be in the Sunday Food section of their biggest paper, The Journal. After my reviews come out, the slobs who own these places will get on their hands and knees to beg for another opportunity to please me. I’ll have so much power over these peons. That’s glorious.
##
Early Monday morning Joe Miller and Bill Kelby of the Major Case Squad came to work and Joe brought up the Sunday food column.
‘Hey Bill, do you read the food section of the paper?’
‘No, the wife does. I’m the sports section kind of guy,’ replied Kelby half-laughing.
‘Me too, but something weird happened in the Sunday paper and I brought it in to show you.’
‘Well, I’m waiting to hear what was weird?’ said Kelby.
‘The old food critic is gone and some new hotshot has taken his place and he could be potential trouble. Bill, you gotta read his opening column,’ said Miller.’
Kelby read the column and agreed with his partner. ‘This guy could tick off a lot of people…’
‘But, it’s just words… Aw come on, you don’t think when he actually starts reviewing these places, he’ll stir up trouble and someone might off him?’ said Miller.
‘It’s possible. People I know used to read the old guy and if the new guy gives a restaurant a bad review, it could cause people to stop going there. The old guy never gave horrible reviews. My wife said that he would try several dishes and maybe one wouldn’t be good but he wouldn’t focus on that. This guy sounds like he’s out for blood,’ replied Kelby.
‘There’s nothing we can do until, if, or when, something happens. Come on, we have real cases to deal with.’
##
The next six weeks, Mr. Dubois visited Los Angeles’ favorite restaurants and wrote his scathing reviews.
To La Bamba de la Rosa, Mexican Food.
The atmosphere reminded me of a stable where donkeys were housed. In fact, it smelled the same way. The salsa was watery and tasteless. It went well with the overly-salted tortilla chips. I ordered the chicken burrito and beef taco. Some poor bird gave its life for that burrito. The meat was scarce and what meat I could find was of a poor quality. The beef taco was ground beef. It made the shell soggy and impossible to pick up and eat. The margarita had too much salt on the rim and not enough alcohol to kill the taste of the food.
##
‘I think the war of the food critic has begun,’ said Miller.
‘Why?’ responded Kelby.
‘You didn’t see the paper yesterday?’
‘No.’
‘He started off with that little Mexican place the missus and I go to on occasion. He ripped up the burritos and tacos and said the margaritas were light on the alcohol,’ replied Miller.
‘Was he right?’ inquired Kelby.
‘I didn’t think so but we haven’t been there recently.’
‘Maybe the quality's gone down, you think?’ asked Kelby.
‘I don’t know. But I do think he’s here to stir up trouble and he started with a neighborhood restaurant. This isn’t good.’
##
To Marcharelli’s, Italian Food
The owners tried to recreate a piece of Italy as their menu says. What part of Italy? I say, it must be the boot, the bottom of the boot. The spaghetti wasn’t cooked enough for my taste. They say it’s Al Dente, firm but not hard. Someone forgot to tell the chef what that meant. I asked for meat sauce. I received uncooked lumps on top of my hard noodles. The eggplant had too much breading on it. When I cut into it, I couldn’t find the eggplant. Then they put a healthy portion of cheese and sauce on it to cover their mistake. I decided to have a glass of red wine with my meal. It was their House wine which tasted like vinegar. So I couldn’t even kill the taste of the bad food with the alcohol.
##
‘Joe, did you see the food critic’s review of that little Italian place on 5th Street over the weekend.’
‘I did and he raked that place over the coals. I’ve been there and the food isn’t anywhere as bad as he said. In fact, I like their eggplant,’ said Kelby.
‘I told you he was here to make trouble.’
‘This was week two. Let’s wait and see what he does next week.’
##
To Old American Burger Company and Bandstand
I figured I’d at least get a decent meal here but I was wrong. I ordered a burger no seasoning; French fries no salt, and a microbrew beer on tap. Either the order was written down wrong even though I made the server repeat the order back and confirm they could make it ‘my way’ or the cook couldn’t read. What I received was a charcoal blackened briquette of a piece of meat, oh how that poor cow gave its life for that burger. Then, the burger must have sat under a warming light for quite a while because it was served ice cold. How is it possible to get a burnt cold burger? The fries had extra salt instead of no salt. The only redeeming part of the meal was the beer. She actually brought it without spilling any of it, and it had a head on it.
##
‘Holy cows Bill, my kids went nuts when we told them what was said about their favorite burger place,’ stated Miller.
‘Are you and the wife still going to go there?’ said Kelby in a surprised voice.
‘Well to be honest, I don’t know. After this review, maybe not,’ replied Miller.
‘You’re going to let the critic think for you?’
‘Well, he’s right about the fries. I always did think they were too salty but the wife and kids liked them so I said okay.’
‘If more people thought like you, the place won’t have any customers,’ said Kelby.
‘Nah, that won’t happen…will it?’
##
To Three Headed Dragon Bar and Grill
I’m not a fan of Asian food because most of the menu is rice and noodle dishes so I purposely stay away from those and order something else. So I picked two meat dishes plus egg rolls and egg drop soup hoping to have leftovers the next day. I should have known better than to order so much food. I couldn’t even give it to my neighbor’s dog. What a waste. The soup was watery with bits of water chestnuts but where was the egg? You needed a microscope to find it. The egg rolls were hot but mushy inside. I had to ask three times for hot mustard and then they gave me two measly packets. Is there a embargo with China on mustard these days? My main dishes were BBQ pork which was fatty and stringy. Poor quality of meat. I tried the Honey Walnut Chicken which was a little too sweet for me but the chicken was white meat and the nuggets were a decent size. If they had less coating on it, it would have been good. I had hot green tea but the refills weren’t free. For the prices they charge, can’t they give free refills on the tea? That’s appalling. I had a bottle of beer which was fine since the only way they could wreck a beer in a bottle was it not being cold and I saw the beers were in the cooler before I ordered it.
##
‘Oh, no another horrible review,’ said Miller.
‘Yeah and my wife loves Three Headed Dragon. We usually get the Mongolian beef and fried rice but he is right about the egg rolls. I never did like them.’
‘Would you go back?’
‘Probably and just order what we always do. But I can see your point. People are going to shy away from trying these places that are being singled out as having bad food. And paying a lot of money for it,’ replied Kelby.
##
To Le Petite Fleur French Restaurant
Being French, I hold these places to a higher standard. So I tried three standard French items starting with French onion soup which I absolutely love. This place dropped an entire salt shaker in it ruining that delicate onion flavor. The next supposed delicacy I tried was Salmon en papillote which is fish delicately wrapped in paper to hold the moisture in. Someone forgot the paper. Dry and tasteless salmon needing, dare I say it, lemon and dill. They should be ashamed. Finally Lamb shank navarin which is lamb that is cooked low and slow until it melts in the mouth but instead this critic received lamb that was cooked high and fast and resembled the burger I had at the American restaurant. The only highlight of the evening was being able to order French wine which I knew would be good so I ended up spending another evening drinking my dinner.
##
‘Hey Miller, you ever eat in the French place?’
‘Are you kidding? I couldn’t afford having an appetizer there.’
‘I think people who have money may think twice before returning.’
‘I think you’re right. What a shame,’ replied Miller.
##
To Eggs Are our Specialty
I had to assume that anything for breakfast that contained eggs and their side dishes were their specialty too. Wrong. The chickens gave up their eggs under duress and the food tasted like it. I didn’t think I could get rubber eggs but I did. I ordered two simple meals. Two eggs over easy, hash browns no salt, and sourdough toast, no butter, butter on the side with jelly on the side. I got two eggs over hard, hash browns that had more salt than the saltshaker on the table, white toast burnt with extra butter. I sent it back. I ordered a cheese omelet, with pancakes, no butter. I received the omelet but couldn’t find the cheese, and pancakes with butter. I truly think that the waiters don’t hear what is said or write down the opposite to piss the customer off. I sent the meal back and just had coffee. At least the coffee was black and hot and they left the carafe on the table so I could have refills whenever I wanted. Too bad, it was morning. I could have used a drink after this lack of a good meal.
##
‘I have to admit he was right about Eggs are our Specialty. I haven’t eaten there in years. The eggs are rubber. You can’t ever get them cooked the way you want, the hash browns are too salty and I always ask for sourdough toast and they bring me white. After a couple of times of that nonsense, I stopped going there,’ said Miller.
‘See, if enough people agree with him, these places will go out of business.’
‘Well, maybe some of them should, if they serve bad or cold food or have water downed drinks or rotten service. Restaurants have to be competitive. If I’m paying good money, I expect things to be right.’
‘I guess he found a convert in you but I suspect he is walking on thin ice. He better watch his step,’ said Kelby.
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