We now join The Snooky Mathers Show, which is already in progress… announcer Toddy Rodgers is at the mic.
“Our next guest is no stranger to the show… let’s give a warm Mathers welcome to the star of Good Night Nurse! the one and only Kiki Chattaway!”
The studio audience erupts in applause as Kiki strides from backstage with confidence onto the set, air-kissing long-time co-host Jimmy Crisp then, in an exaggerated tango, slinks over to funnyman Snooky Mathers, the host with the most, where he dips her seductively, eliciting howls of raucous cheering from the audience.
“Ring-a-ding-ding!” cries Snooky, his trademark catchphrase delivered with the same panache after nearly thirty years in show business.
Kiki, dramatically fanning a hand in front of her heart-shaped face, falls gracefully into the chair next to Snooky’s set desk.
“Woo! You know how to get a gal’s motor running, Shnookums!”
Jimmy interjects, grinning and fawning, “He’s still got it. Hahaha!”
Snooky smugly settles into his high-backed, ergonomic captain’s chair and takes a swig from his famous mug, which, not coincidentally, is graced with a likeness of his famous mug – and, if the rumors are true, contains a bit of liquid fortification.
“Kiki Chattaway, we haven’t seen you in so long; I guess no one wants to work with an aging actress.”
Kiki answers with a playful pout, “Oh, Snooky, you’re terrible! - you know I was just here after the Emmys, and I’m still miffed about the snub!”
Jimmy nods in agreement, then says, “So true, so true - you were robbed, Ms. Chattaway. That was a travesty!”
Snooky takes another pull from the mugged mug, then eyeballs Kiki with a renewed focus.
“My dear, you look like something the cat dragged in after a three-day bender. Seriously, Kiki, you look like shit!”
The audience's reaction is a smattering of polite laughter and confused murmuring. Jimmy Crisp gulps, looks uneasy, but maintains an obsequious grin.
Kiki, stunned by the Snookster’s unexpected comments, manages a stilted laugh and stammers, “Snooky, darling, I think you’ve had one too many sips from that mug. Let’s get back on track—season two of ‘Good Night Nurse’ will blow your socks off!”
“Season two, shmeason two. Why don’t you give us a song now, doll? Let’s liven things up here!”
Kiki, wide-eyed and shrinking into her seat, looks over at Jimmy, who makes a quick shoulder shrug.
“Uh, I have nothing prepared, and you know I’m not a singer, Snooky. Is there something wrong?”
With concern etched on his usually jolly moon face, Jimmy stands up and tries to mitigate the uncomfortable interview.
“He’s fine, Kiki, just pressure from doing the show.”
Snooky looks daggers at his co-host.
“Shut up, you simpering moron, and sit your fat ass down. I don’t pay you to have opinions!”
Jimmy takes a seat and looks down at his shoes.
The audience is visibly squirming in their seats as camera two pans over them.
Snooky turns back to a mortified Kiki Chattaway, still seated and looking sick to her stomach. “Well, how about that song, babe? Howsabout Leaving on a Jet Plane’ Or better yet, Hit the Road, Jack – and don’t you come back no more no more no more. Ring-a-ding-ding!”
Kiki looks frantically in the direction of show director Lenny Shackleford who motions for the cameras to keep rolling as Snooky bounds out of his chair, lurching toward center stage next to the Snooky Mathers Show Orchestra.
“What, no song from the washed-up Nurse Dishrag? Well, that’s just too bad. Here’s something better…”
Snooky begins a clumsy soft-shoe dance, and bandleader Sonny Wiggins, after a quick look at Lenny, starts the band up in a syncopated accompaniment.
Jimmy finally grows a backbone and escorts a shaken and unbelieving Kiki Chattaway off set.
The audience finds its groove again and cheers as Snooky butchers the Old Soft Shoe before tripping over his own feet and landing in a heap.
Cut to commercial.
The Snooky Mathers Show is now on hiatus for the foreseeable future.
About the author
William P. Adams resides in the Pacific Northwest and writes short fiction in various genres. His work has appeared in Rockvale Review, Neither Fish Nor Foul, Macrame Lit, Bright Flash Literary Review, and others.
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