Today was the day.
Jeremiah had been
waiting on that day for weeks. He was all wrung out about it.
It was all he could
think about as he sat out on the balcony of his apartment. It was well after
three in the morning, but sleep hadn’t come easy to him.
It never had.
He doesn’t think he’d
ever had a full night’s sleep in his twenty-five years of life.
He was usually restless
because of the dreams that plagued his mind while he was asleep, but that night
he was awake for a whole different reason. Anticipation.
It was the hope that was
keeping him awake.
Jeremiah had never been
one to hope. He thought it bread eternal misery. But that night, it filled his
very being.
He’d never been hopeful.
Always restless.
The feeling of
restlessness had always followed him everywhere. He never felt settled. He had
always felt like his life was missing something, like he was missing
something.
He had known what he was
missing, or at least he’d felt like he knew.
He was sure the reason
he felt so lost all the time was because of his dreams.
Ever since he was a
young boy, he had weird dreams.
It was almost as if he
had an entirely different life when he went to sleep. He was a different
person. He’d had a different name. A different girlfriend.
They weren’t just
dreams. They couldn’t have been just dreams. The love that he felt for her
usually woke him from his sleep.
Some nights he sobbed
from the weight of a love he would never know. It sat heavy on his chest.
He’d assumed it had to
be a past life because everything was too vivid, too real. It was the only
explanation he could come up with.
He used to tell people
about his dreams when he was a kid. He’d always wanted answers. He’d always
wanted to know why, but no one could help him. No one had tried. They’d all
just written him off. Some would go on to call him crazy, and some days he surely
felt it.
He couldn’t make sense
of it, so he stopped trying for a while.
He tried to live his
life to the best of his ability. He tried not to let the ever-present despair
seep into him too deeply.
He found a job that he
loved. He was a firefighter. Saving lives, putting out fires, it was the only
time in his life that the void he carried with him had been filled with a
purpose unlike any other.
Then he met Shan, his
girlfriend of three years and thought maybe she had been what he was missing.
He doesn’t like to admit
that the longing he’d always felt had gotten stronger since being with her.
He loved Shan, but she
didn’t get him. He wasn’t sure anyone did.
Ultimately, that’s what
led him to that sleepless night on the balcony.
Anticipation.
He had a meeting with a
woman that promised him that she had answers. He didn’t know her. They’d only
spent a week talking, and he knew it was stupid to meet up with a stranger, but
he could take care of himself.
And, if I can’t, well,
it just must be my time.
He laughed at his
thoughts and twisted his fingers through his blond curls. He was usually a head
taller than most people and he was in great physical shape. If some strange
woman happened to take him out, he figured his number was just up.
It might have been
stupid to trust someone he met online of all places, but he trusted the woman
he only knew as “L.” They’d talked on the phone, and she had listened to him.
He’s sure she was the
only person that had done that. So, when she promised him answers, he believed
her.
They set up a time and
place to meet. Mel’s Diner. Eight o’clock. He didn’t think he’d ever felt that
hopeful in his life.
Weeks earlier, he’d went
searching for answers for only the second time in his life. At first, he’d
gotten nowhere, but after hours of searching online, he thought he’d found
something.
It had been an online
forum about reincarnation that he posted on about his dreams. He went into
vivid detail about how real everything was to him.
Sometimes he woke up and
the scent of his past lover still clung to his nose. Honeysuckle and lavender.
He wasn’t making that up.
He wanted nothing more
than for someone, anyone, to believe him. It felt like he was constantly
screaming into a vacuum.
But late one night a few
days after his post, he’d gotten a message on the platform. It was L. That was
the name that she had given him. She said she would give him more when they
met.
The day of the meeting
was finally there.
He spent the rest of
that morning out on the balcony.
He’d had a decent day.
He kept himself busy, did some work around the house. He had been running on
less than four hours of sleep, but he was used to the bone deep ache being
tired brought.
He was looking forward
to his meeting with L.
He just hadn’t been
expecting another fight with Shan about it.
He let her into his
apartment at seven in the evening. He was on his way out. He’d had his keys in
his hand. Her arrival had been unexpected but based on the amount of pushback
he’d received from her since he told her about it a week prior, he should have
been expecting her to turn up.
He’d sighed, closed the
door behind her and waited.
She hadn’t disappointed,
either.
“I’m not sure this is a
good idea, Jeremiah,” Shan said.
Oh, for the love of God.
Not now, Shan.
His hands twitched at
his sides. He had a bad habit of biting his nails when he was antsy, and she hated
that, so he had fidgeted with his keys instead.
He organized his
thoughts. He always had a lot going on in his head and he was always told he
didn’t say things very politely. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but she
had been saying the same thing for the past week, and he was tired of hearing
it.
“Why would it not be a
good idea?”
It was just a meeting at
a diner, after all. A meeting he deemed necessary for his peace of mind, but he
wasn’t too sure that his peace of mind mattered to anyone.
“You met this person
online. They’re feeding into your delusions. Be realistic, Jeremiah. There’s no
way this is a good idea.”
“If I’m delusional,
Shan, I can’t be realistic. That’s asking too much of me, isn’t it?”
He hadn’t meant to sound
so harsh, but he was tired. I’m so tired of begging people I care about to
believe me. He knew he wasn’t crazy, so why couldn’t she support him?
She was supposed to be
his partner, and he couldn’t even truly open up to her because she wouldn’t
even pretend to understand him.
She did nothing but
carve into the emptiness he felt every day.
But he cared about her.
He wouldn’t call it love. He wouldn’t call anything love until it matched what
he felt for the woman he dreamed of every night.
“I have to go. I need
this, Shan. This is important to me. Can you support me? You never support me.”
He hadn’t planned on
guilt tripping her, but the way her face fell told him that it had worked. That
was all that mattered.
He was going to go
whether she thought it was a good idea or not. She’s not constantly
suffering. I am.
That meeting meant more
to him than she would ever have been able to comprehend. He was going to go.
He’d deal with the consequences after he’d gotten his answers.
“I want what’s best for
you,” she’d said.
How many times do I have
to tell her?
“This is what’s
best for me.”
He didn’t know how else
to convince her, but that would have to be enough because he needed to go.
“I’ll wait here for
you.”
He didn’t want to have
company after his meeting, he knew he would need time alone, but he relented,
and he left her standing in his living room.
Jeremiah’s drive to the
diner had been quiet. He’d been relaxed. He would even say that he was excited.
But his nerves had
started to creep up on him the closer he got to the diner. By the time he’d
pulled his truck into the parking lot, he had been sure he was having a
full-blown panic attack.
He had tried to distract
himself. He focused on his surroundings.
The diner Jeremiah
parked his truck in front of had seen better days.
There were only a few
cars in the lot, and from where he peered out of his front window, the place
looked empty.
Mel’s neon sign at the
front of the building was missing bulbs in the ‘M’ and the ‘E’. The letters
weren’t fully lit but blinking. The lights in the sign flickered quickly, in
time with his racing pulse.
He blew out a deep
breath and clutched the steering wheel with his shaky hands.
His heart shouldn’t have
been in his throat, but it was. His hands shouldn’t have been shaking. He
didn’t get scared. He’d spent all his adult life running towards danger, not
away from it. This shouldn’t have been affecting him like it was. He fearlessly
walked through burning buildings for a living, but the second he pulled into
the parking lot of the diner, his heart seized in his chest.
He was going to meet
with L at eight P.M., and he had thirty minutes until then.
He wasn’t sure what had
made him so anxious. He had been fine until he pulled into the parking lot, and
then the dread crept down his spine and settled in the pit of his stomach.
He kept staring at the
diner, wishing the sinking feeling he felt in his stomach would calm down
enough for him to think.
He glanced at the
digital clock on his dashboard, and watched the minutes dwindle down. He only
had twenty minutes, now.
He had thought of
nothing except for this meeting for weeks. He wasn’t necessarily excited about
it, but he had been anticipating it. He knew the meeting would change his life.
He would get the answers he’d been wanting since he was a child.
He just couldn’t make
himself get out of the truck. He couldn’t even put his hand on the door handle.
Just take the first
step, Miah. Just touch the door.
He couldn’t.
His anxiety had been all
consuming. The panic had swirled so heavily in his chest that he couldn’t catch
his breath.
Should he have let his
girlfriend talk him out of it?
No, no. I need this.
It’s going to be fine.
So, why couldn’t he get his limbs to work? Why was he frozen with fear in the
driver’s seat of his car?
What did he have to
fear, anyway? He wasn’t crazy, despite what everyone else thought. He knew
that he wasn’t crazy.
Jeremiah knew people
thought he was strange. He knew his girlfriend was at the top of that list, but
he’d long stopped caring what other people thought.
His reality had always
been different from others. It would always be different from others.
He was privy to a lot of
things most people weren’t. He had just wanted to know why.
Why him? Why did he have
to live with such a heavy ache in his chest? Why had it always felt like he was
drowning within himself? Why was he cursed with that feeling? Why was he cursed
to remember a life that had ended long ago? Why did he dream every night about
the woman he loved, then? Why could nothing ever fix the hole he was sure was
permanently carved into his chest?
Why, why, why?
He had so many
questions. Questions L promised she had answers to.
He needed to go into the
diner. He needed to speak with her.
“You need these answers,
Miah.”
That vocal reminder had
been enough to ease the pressure in his chest, if only slightly.
It was enough for him to
finally get out of the truck.
His palms were sweaty,
and his breath was still uneven, but at least he had gotten out of the truck.
He’d shoved his hands
into the pockets of his jeans and trekked across the damp parking lot.
The bell at the top of
the door had jingled as he entered, and the waitress behind the counter looked
up.
“Sit anywhere you like,
sugar. I’ll be with you in a second.”
His steps had stalled as
soon as he took a step toward a booth, and his eyes landed on an older Black
woman sitting at a booth at the back.
He knew it was L. He had
a feeling that the woman in her late fifties knitting a scarf was her.
“L?”
She’d looked up from her
knitting project, kind brown eyes peered at him from over her glasses.
“Jeremiah.”
He’d nodded; his tongue
felt like dead weight in his mouth.
“Sit down, honey, I’m
Louise.”
Her voice was so warm
and comforting that it had eased any remnants of anxiety.
“You said you had
answers for me?” He asked.
She’d smiled a soft
smile, and he had relaxed even further. He was in the right place.
Finally. For once in his life,
he was in the right place.
About the author:
Charlee Chandler is an aspiring
author, and current college student. She is using her education to hone her
craft and develop her writing skills. In her free time, she focuses on writing
her novel, aiming to bring her creative ideas to life and share them with the
world.
